Thoughts and Processes (subject too confusion by reader)

I feel in the last few weeks that I have been on an emotionally and physically draining roller coaster. It has made me really think about what I really desire and want in my life. Up till now I used too just leave it too God and then sit back and see what happens not really putting my desires into play only relying on God's desires for me. Not that this is a bad thing. Being told that I was not getting the internship was really hard for me because after I was told "I was not ready for the position" I immediately started rolling down this emotional ride that which I really did not want to go down. It hurt me so much to hear this because I realized that this was it, I was never gonna be part of this sweet explore internship that everyone talked about, I was going to need to move on to this whole new era of life as a 20 year old and leave Explore the only thing I have had outside of my family. Then later on that week i was told that I was not going to be able to go on the trip to the coast with some of the best friends I have ever had in my life. I knew they wanted me too come but I said it was "okay" though personally I was ripped my heart was screaming fro air as I tried to figure out why these things were happening too me? What was God trying to show me or teach me? I am still trying to figure these things out. Slowly as the days go by I am beginning to realize that Explore is slipping away. I only have a month and a couple weeks left before I go back to Saskatchewan. As a last ditch effort to hold on to the inevitable I thought of joining staff this summer but rethought it and decided not too realizing that I was only trying to hold onto the inevitable. I Love eXplore.